I used to do warranty repairs for home electronics a few years back and I remember this conversation a co-worker of mine had on the phone with a customer.

Co-Worker: Sir, I’m calling you to let you know there are roaches inside your DVD player and we will be refusing to service your item under the manufacturer’s warranty. Please pick up your item by the end of the day or we will dispose of it for health reasons.”

My friend is quiet while the customer at the other end is speaking.

Co-Worker: No, the warranty only covers manufacturer’s defects - either problem in workmanship or design. We will not be servicing your unit.

Another few seconds pass as he listens to the customer. His face starts to frown.

Co-Worker: Sir, did you hear me? There are cockroaches in your DVD Player. That is not a problem of workmanship or design. (Pause)

The customer then begins to say something and my co-worker reacts.

Co-Worker: No! It is not normal for cockroaches to live your VCR, or any other appliance or piece of electronic equipment. That’s why we can’t cover you under the warranty.

Customer then appears to understand and my co-worker is relieved a bit.

Co-Worker: Good, I’m glad you understand now, will you be picking up your DVD player or should we dispose of it for you?”

Suddenly, he has a long pause and this time his eyes begins to roll.

Co-Worker: Our in home technicians are pretty much booked this week. Let me get the number of another service depot and maybe they can get someone to your house and find out what’s wrong with your TV set.

Like every big box retailer, my company offers no interest financing for large purchases. The caveat being that you pay the total amount in its entirety by the end of the financing term, or we’ll ding you for all interest accrued all at once. Still, it’s an option and for a small financing fee, a lot of customers take advantage of it.

A little while ago, one of the managers at work spent nearly half an hour explaining to one such customer that we mailed monthly statements to all customers opting for financing, updating them of the balance still owing. He explained how every financing contract states the exact amount of time that a customer has to pay the full amount by. He even pointed out that the payment due date was on the customer’s receipt.

This customer however, was refusing to pay the late penalty. He kept stating because he did not receive a telephone reminder the day before the due date, he was not responsible for a single penny of the interest we charged. In fact, because we did not call him, he claimed that we were negligent and therefore obligated to pay his interest for him.

Right.

No joke, but this guy was totally serious.

One of the guys at work had a customer call in asking if we could hold a Nintendo Wii for him.  As per company policy, he told the customer that because of the intense demand, the consoles were first come first served.

“How am I going to get one if you don’t hold one for me?” he asked irritably.

“Well, just come down as soon as you can and hopefully we’ll have some left.”

“What happens if you sell out?  Do you guys know how much gas is going to be wasted if I come down there for nothing?”  The customer’s voice started to rise.  “Don’t you what that’s going to do to the environment?!?  Don’t you people care?”

“Sir,” my co-worker answered.  “Maybe you shouldn’t drive down here at all.  If you get a Wii you’re just going end up using more energy and killing the environment anyways.”

My brother works for one of the big telecom companies, and a customer once called in because he tried cleaning the phone in the dishwasher.

“We kept asking the guy if he was joking,” he told me.

“And we had to somehow tell this guy we couldn’t cover the phone under warranty without making him feel stupid.”